ASH! {CKY!HELLiON} (ashleys_mask) wrote in recoveryourlife,

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Hello there :)

Hi, My name is Ashley. I'm sixteen years old and a cutter. I'm looking for a helping hand whenever no one around me seems to be able to help. I'm here to share my story and maybe get some sense out of life.
The first time I ever thought about self-harm was in 8th grade. Me and my friend Cathy were having our 'abnormal' conversations that we always enjoyed. Cutting eventually came up, I have no idea why. I admitted to her that I had thought of cutting but never actually done it. She said that she just wanted to do it to see what you could get out of it. I'm not exactly sure why I wanted to do it. I began to delve into poetry, this is where I let out all my anger and frustration or suicidal thoughts. Many times I went to bed with the thought of not wanting to wake up. Then one day we had a guest speaker come to our school. I wrote a comment card to him, saying something like, "Thank you for talking about suicide today. No one usually mentions it and I've been struggling with those thoughts. I used to cut but I don't anymore. Prior to this I had attempted cutting but it didn't really catch on as something I always did. Just a couple of times with scissors or such. Being the idiot I am, I wrote my name on the paper and the guy sent it to the principal as a 'red flag' or something. My mom's a counselor at the middle school, so the principal sent it to her. She called me down to her office and we had a chat. She didn't make me feel better at all. She wanted to get me on medicine and to see a counselor. She had a woman come and see me for a little while. She didn't really know what to make of me I guess.

When I entered my freshman year of high school I was majorly depressed. Nothing was going right. In October, before one of my friends' Halloween parties I cut for the first time, with a pair of scissors. I liked how it made me feel, but later that night I started feeling bad about it and told my then best friend Tosha. She flipped out on me and asked me why I had done it. Honestly, I had no answer for her. I continued to cut with scissors all throughout my freshman year. That same year I started regular sessions with a counselor and was put on Prozac. That same year my then best friend Tosha, started cutting. She told me that she used a blade from a shaving razor. She also got her first boyfriend. Previous to the last day of school I cut up my ankle pretty bad, throughout the summer I continued to cut. My best friend had left me in the dust to be with her boyfriend. That summer I grabbed a bottle of pills and dumped them out, wanting to swallow every single one of them. I told my mom though, so I didn't take the pills. My medicine dose was upped.

Starting my sophomore year I had high hopes. I was becoming a stronger person and hadn't cut in a long while. I was getting over the pain of my best friend leaving me. I was becoming better friends with my cousin. Sometime that fall, I started feeling down and remember Tosha talking about the shaving blade. I went to the bathroom and tore one apart, retrieving the blade. I cut into myself once more. Then as fall turned into winter, my self-harm became worse. I was cutting almost every night, this time carving into my skin. Cutting deeper to make the scars stay. My mom saw them, she was worried but didn't do anything.

Now to 2008, this year has been filled with so much. I cried myself to sleep almost everyday in January. Then February 15 came, that fateful day. I wrote a suicide letter and planned to swallow a bottle of pills. Once more I didn't, I told my mom instead. This time she did something. I was admitted to a hospital, I stayed there for five days. They changed my medicine from Prozac to Zoloft. They also found out that I had a thyroid issue, so I now take medicine for that. Since then I have only cut one time, but I've thought about it many times. I still have my blade and sometimes I grab it to study it, but I don't cut. Sometimes I'm scared I'll slip up, but I try to get by.

Some other things you might wanna know:
*My family has a history of depression. I have a cousin who killed himself, my uncle has attempted to do so many times and my mom has too when she was a kid.
*I regularly visit a counselor and consult a physchiatrist, or whatever the doctor is called that can prescribe you medicine.

I have never truly understood the reason why I cut myself. My life is too good for it to be that. I have a few theories but ultimately I have no idea. A lot of the time I feel a lone in the world with no one to talk to. I know my mom understands but sometimes I can't talk to her. I lost my best friend and that hurts me a lot. I have my cousin, but she has issues too. How can someone help you if they have issues? Recently, the only time I've felt bad about myself, really down was last Friday. It was the worst I've felt in a long time, but I'm better now.

Whoa, I wrote a lot.
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