Sarah (goosfan) wrote in recoveryourlife,
Sarah
goosfan
recoveryourlife

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Again, and again, and again

So I did it again, I cut myself. Over a hundred times. So much has happened tonight it is ridiculous. I went to work and we were so busy I didnt get out of there until like 2 in the morning. It sucked. I gotta be back at work at 8 a.m. But I came home to find out that the two people who have been baby sitting my daughter were drinking while they watched my daughter. They were not drunk just a little buzzed. Well, I was mad and upset and I said something to my sister. Well, she flipped out and came and took my daughter from me. I am unsure for how long she took her for or if it was just an over the night thing. But I was crying my eyes out because I just lost my little girl and I was looking for someone to blame. And I blamed the two people who were watching her. Well, Anthony, the guy I flew from Pennsylvania down to be with me for 16 days, kept trying to tell me it was for the best and she is probably better off. I am sorry, but I love my daughter to death and I would give my life for her. I may not be the best mother in the world but I am a good mother. I wont get the mother of the year card but I am a good mother. Well, we just kept fighting and arguing and thats all we have been doing since he got here. Every since he found out I slept with another dude. Even though we are technically not together. But if you do fly another guy from another state down to be with you, you guys are basically together. Well I told him tonight about another guy I slept with and he told me he is going to go get tested and that im a whore and a smut, which is worse than a slut. I already lost my daughter and I lost him too. Well, we kept fighting and he laid in bed and I grabbed my razor and took it apart and sliced my thighs up ridiculously bad. I carved slut 3 times into m thighs and just a bunch of lines. It made me feel better. Well, I heard him get out of bed and I quickly threw the razor in the sink and called my friend into the bathroom and showed her and she cleaned everything up EXCEPT the razor in the sink I threw. Which was hard to see. Well, I walked out and grabbed clothes and Anthony kind of made some smart ass comment about oh what did you cut yourself which reminded me of how it was a joke. Well, I got into the shower and grabbed the blade that was left behind and sliced some more and carved he said no into my thigh as well. And then I turned off the shower and just sat there. Anthony came in and looked at it and he was like do you feel better. And truthfully I actually kind of do. It was the release I needed. But he was like Im going to sit here and analyze you and the things he said were so true. He said that I have severe depression and any guy that comes and spits lines at me and makes me feel better about myself I will sleep with. And truthfully it is. I am depressed and now im adding to post tramatic stress syndrom from me just having my daughter almost 4 months ago and I cant be happy. I have tried and nothing is making me happy but my daughter. For that instant of me cutting I felt alive. I felt something. I just dont know what to do. All I keep thinking about is that razor still sitting in the shower and how it would feel to cut again.
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